I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
