I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
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