Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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