I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
