I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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