My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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