I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
this hospital has no fireball
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
