Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
