1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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