whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
