Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
