That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you didnt know i had herpes?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
