Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
