She is in my trunk
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize