wakey wakey hands off snakey
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
