I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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