And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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