so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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