Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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