I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
