feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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