I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
