how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize