Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
