We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
