How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
