i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she pinky promised me she was 18
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
