Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
