I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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