so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
