I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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