He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
