the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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