I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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