wrigley field is MILF paradise
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
