One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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