If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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