The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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