So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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