wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
