I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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