I molested 6 butterflies tonight
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
