bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
