Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
