I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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