Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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