im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
