I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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