i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
