Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize