Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
