My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it hurts more in the daytime
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
