I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
