he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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