If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I wish there were birth control emojis
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
