apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
