also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
